Sunday, September 5, 2010

Last Breast Feed + Holiday

This time last week I did my last breast feed. I've tried to post about it at various times this week, but I've either been busy with Murray or just not able to put into words how I feel. The previous week, each feed was getting harder and harder because Murray wasn't getting enough from the left side only, so was having to top up on the right. The problem with this was that as he is getting bigger latching on in rugby ball was getting near impossible without me twisting my back to get him into position and even then he wasn't very comfy as his feet were hitting the back of the sofa. I would keep trying to put him in the cradle hold but he just wouldn't open up or would bite down on half of my nipple. I actually had decided on the Thursday that I would swop to bottles, but when I woke on the Friday just couldn't do it. Then on Friday the second feed was disastrous so I thought perhaps I would just keep up the morning feed and then on Saturday the first feed was just too much. He had emptied my left side (or wouldn't suck enough), couldn't get on my right but was still crying for more. We eventually gave him a bottle of expressed milk and he took another 2 oz or so. That for me was the last bit of evidence I needed and I decided that from then on I would express for as long as I could and give him as many breast milk bottles as I could and the rest with formula. So for a week now I have expressed in the morning and evening and managed to express enough for either 2 or 3 bottles of 6oz. It usually works out that he has 2 one day and 3 the next. This has helped me as I know he is getting the benefits of breast milk, it is preventing him getting constipated and me from becoming engorged or getting mastitis. I had hoped to express 3 times a day but as I'm often out and about during the day it is pretty tricky to do it, so it has become twice a day. I only had a manual pump until Thursday so it was getting hard work, but one of my friends gave me her electric pump which is far easier and much more efficient and means I'll be able to continue with that for a lot longer.

Al decided we should go on a family trip on Saturday so I didn't feel too awful or sit thinking about my decision too much so we went to Rowerdennan and had lunch and then went for a walk with Murray in the buggy along part of the West Highland Way. Poor Murray, when we got there he needed changed so I took him to the ladies' loos (no disabled or changing table) to change. As I was doing this a lady came out of the loo, washed her hands and dried them with one of those dyson air blade hand driers which are incredibly loud. OMG, poor Murray got the fright of his life. The scream! He has only screamed like that when he got his jabs! He was so stressed he wouldn't really feed and so we had to throw our lunch down our necks and head out for our walk in the hope he calmed down enough to maybe want some more later. About 5 / 10 mins up the track, sure enough, "wah wah wah, I'm hungry" came from the buggy, so as it was gorgeous weather we stopped and fed him on the trail. Al took these pics while I was feeding him. They've actually helped with the transition to bottles as they are so beautiful. I still feel quite sad about it, but I don't dread feeds any more and I love the fact that Murray can look straight at me while I feed him and so I feel very connected to him.


As of yesterday, Al is on holiday. I must say it has come just at the right time as I'm feeling quite tired (been an emotional week) and could do with an extra set of hands. It is the The Comrie Hills Relay race that my club organises tomorrow, so we will head up for the BBQ after the racing, then on Monday we head up to Aviemore until Friday. I'm really looking forward to getting out for walks and taking Murray swimming.


I had a good week last week, but this week hasn't been as successful. Mainly because I've had so many check ups. One good thing is I was able to go to the gym on Monday for the first time. I did 20mins on the x-trainer and 10 mins on the recline bike with 5 mins warm up cool down walking very briskly on the treadmill. That was enough, but I'm sure I'll be able to increase it, bit by bit. I asked at my appointment on Tuesday about getting back to running and they said once I don't get the heavy pulling feeling any more I can try, but to stop as soon as I get that. I'll stick with the x-trainer for now as there is no way I want to make things worse.


I was also told on Tuesday that future deliveries will be by C-section as they do not want to risk further damage if a repeat delivery occurred next time round. Yes it has been one of those weeks. Bit of a shock and relief all rolled into one. No wonder it has taken a while to heal and no wonder exercise has been a step too much. It is very hard to put into words the mix of emotions I feel from this news. Relief that I won't have to battle to be taken seriously next time round and sadness that I'll never know the full birthing experience - I still don't feel like I pushed Murray out as by that stage I was numb from the chest down and it was all so surreal as I was so out of it after 31 hours and especially the 30 minute ambulance ride and 2 hours enduring contractions without being able to push while I waited for an operating theatre to become free. God it was all so bloody awful at the end I'm so glad I won't have to go through that again, but - well - the emotions that are wrapped up around child birth are so deep and strong and irrational. Yup it has been a heck of a week! Like i said, I'm glad Al is off for the next 10 days.


Al and I have been snap happy recently so here are a few corkers.

Daddy Cuddle

Smiles all round!

I've found my hands - look at these funky bugs!

Mummy cuddles!


  1. I hope you are feeling ok with your decision. I'm glad you have been able to pump and got an electric one to borrow (the manual are tough and I used for 9 months with Nick then borrowed a friends and it was so much easier!) He is so adorable and getting so big! Hopefully over time it will get easier. I'm sorry about the C section news. Hope you have a better day!

  2. Hi Kaz.

    Great to actually see one of our two bare feet baby wetsuits in action! Your little one does indeed look very cute in it.

    Keep up the adventures.